Note: This is a composite, not an actual person
Sometimes I feel so good, like when I saw D. today. Immediately, I felt high, like the colors in the room got brighter. Would it be crazy to say, “I love him”? I get it. I mean I hardly know him, but seeing him is like a religious experience. And afterwards the day suddenly seemed gray again. And it’s scary too, because the last time this happened, well, you know what happened. I ended up feeling like a ghost, like my spirit had just up and left my body. And it was so horrible that feeling of being like no one, like the living dead, that I just couldn’t take it… Even before when I was crying on the bathroom floor, every night felt better than that.
I just want someone to love me. If someone loves me back, then everything will be ok. But sometimes I despair. I’m so broken. It always happens that as soon as I meet someone who seems to be into me, and we start to get close, they abandon me.
Classes are going ok. I mean they’re better again now that there’s a chance I might run into D. We have a project in film making to do a short piece by the end of the semester. I have this great idea about using masks-like doing a surreal silent piece where everyone wears a mask. Maybe the scene will be a party, but with some unusual dream-like elements. Like the scene will unfold at first, normal and then as the camera pans around, there will be elements that stand out that simply don’t fit in. And someone in the scene will take drugs and descend into an internal nightmare of some kind… Still don’t have the details, but I can feel the contours. And this will give me a chance to use some of the masks I made recently.
God, I hope my roommate doesn’t kick me out. She complained to me again about the mess in the kitchen and that I forgot to wash the dishes and that I’m always “barricaded” in my room. It just makes me want to avoid her more. I wish I could afford to live alone, but clearly that’s never going to happen. I’ll be lucky to keep this place. I was so depressed last week that I missed work again and I’m pretty sure my boss is on the brink of firing me.
I just want D. I know if we could just talk he’d see inside of me and all of the streams of color and fire in my heart would burst forth into blossom. I just want to feel alive and loved and for someone to see me.”
Does this sound familiar?
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Dr. Natasha Kruger, PhD